Saturday, December 31, 2011
It feels weird.
Never again will I look at the bottom right of my screen and see those four numbers. 2011.
Tonight, in a matter of a millisecond, a year will pass by and fade into a memory. Many of us will count down the last ten seconds of the year, a magical moment, some of us will yell "Cheers!", others will kiss their loved ones, some will sleep the night as if nothing has happened, others will go wild in the streets of the city. Everyone will, in their own unique way, experience a new year.
If there is one thing in this world that unites us as humans, it is time.
As Einstein said, the only reason for time is so that everything does not happen at once. Across the entire world, everyone will experience the change in time.
Perhaps it isn't as dramatic as it seems, perhaps a new year is simply just another day. But as I look outside, there is a spirit in the air that chokes my body every December 31st. I look into the sky, and realize as the world turns, that one day I won't be on this Earth anymore - that the addition of "one" onto every current year is much more significant than we assume.
Whereas for most, there is a sense of relief that the past year is over, for me, there is always a sense of pain in celebrating a new year.
I feel I have become much too aware of my personal being. I fear knowing who I am. I fear self-discovery, because I fear discovering that I am truly one of seven billion, one 5 ft. 10in. young man living on a 5,490,369,314,220,020 square foot Earth.
It isn't that I fear feeling small, it isn't that I fear feeling alone, it is that I fear feeling futile. And every new year, I am reminded that as time passes by, I am continuing to become more and more aware of my existence.
Sometimes I just wish I could just celebrate like everyone else, go crazy in the streets, party until the end - and I do celebrate - but I feel a grief in doing so. A very small, but powerful grief that I usually overlook, but as years pass and my understanding of who I am in this world grows, I can't help but recognize the thinness of time.
Imagining the future is a beautiful thing, but it hurts to know it is near.
A year will pass tonight and time will force me to sit in the back seat of it's locked, speeding car. And my biggest fear is when that car crashes.
So as I stare into the sky and realize the significance of a year's passing, I am humbled to say that I have twisted my fear of futility into an inspiration to become an instrument in this world, and instead of hearing sounds, I aim to create my own.
All praise be to Allah, thank you for allowing me prosper and learn from my mistakes year to year.
May the new year bring happiness, peace, and joy to all your families and friends.
Let us all welcome 2012, in our own, unique way of existence.