Saturday, February 2, 2013

I Would Rather Be Blind Than Have Sight And No Vision

My first ever journal. Has a lot of good stuff in here... a lot of good stuff...
Since the January 2nd, 2006, the day my then-aunt Zubia (my uncle and her got divorced a day after I arrived back home from Pakistan) gave me my first journal, I became fascinated by the ability to retain memories. I found myself at an interesting point in my childhood – in the middle of Lahore, Pakistan visiting my sick grandma – a land unknown to me, but still so forcibly close to my heart. I remember being there and wanting to soak it all in, every moment. Of course, I was only in 5th grade. I was not having the most profound thoughts, but the ideas were there.

I knew a future Aadil would want to read life through a past Aadil’s eyes.

As I grew older, I felt inclined to hoard as many memories I could – not through a mere fear of moving on, but through a passion for learning from my past.

Yet, even these journals do not do justice to the childhood and even recent memories still locked in the abyss of my mind. I could have written about too much, but any omissions were not errors or through deliberation. Everything I included in those journal entries from 2006, to the blog posts I made and continue to make on my website, to the photos I posed in my 365 Day's of Aadil's Life Facebook album – each had meaning, purpose, and value - even if I did not know or assume it then.

It’s definitely humorous to recount instances of peculiarity in my past, or instances where I didn’t know at the time how bratty I was being – but it’s also unbelievably valuable.

Even if the Aadil who wrote that he felt like his sisters treated him like a rock on April 27th, 2006 didn’t know the Aadil of today would move on past those pessimistic thoughts, even if the Aadil who was kissed by Aaleyah on October 16th, 2007 didn’t know it would give the Aadil of today a hearty laugh – every word and omission means something – in the indelible past and present.

Today, as I type these words, I am still on the same course of transformation. I still write in a journal. I still post on my blog. And I started a ‘second edition’ of my 365 Days of Aadil’s Life album on Facebook to capture moments through my graduation.

I honestly do not think I would be the person I am today if it weren't for me hoarding memories. Writing in my journal. Taking photos. Blogging. I can't even imagine how many thoughts would have been lost if I weren't given my first journal, how many images in my mind would fade if they weren't captured through photography. I'm able to look back at all of these mementos and have sight of the future with a vision shaped by my experiences in the past. The eyes are useless when the mind is blind.

It is the uncertainty of what tomorrow will bring and the certainty of what yesterday brought that motivates me. It allows me to wake up every morning and know I have the power to create what I will, say what I mean, and do what I choose.

I am reminded that as time passes by, I am continuing to become more and more aware of my existence. As years pass and my understanding of who I am in this world grows, I can't help but recognize the thinness of time.

Imagining the future is a beautiful thing, but it often hurts to know it is near. Even if it’s slight, I’ve seized notions, thoughts, photos, memories, lives, deaths, laughs, smiles, and cries - all to remedy this pain. And it’s worked.

And the best part about it is, I continue to tread this path – whether through the metaphorical or literal turning of pages, I am not only still ‘living’…

But I still live.



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